Twink and the Time We Almost Got Jumped

So, remember when I said Mike hasn't been really successful with integrating people he knows into our crew of friends? This is the first time he tried. And failed. Miserably.

My whole group of friends were going out and Mike decides to brings this chick Charlene*. She seemed fairly nice at the time, but she was from the Trenton area. Immejiately (yes, immejiately. Not immediately) my spidey sense went off. I was working in Trenton at the time and I knew those people down there are made of ratchetness, bad decisions and fuckery. Still, I decided to give her a chance. What a mistake that was. The night inside the bar was fairly uneventful. It's what happened as we were leaving that almost got us killed. So Charlene over here started messing with some dudes...there must have been at least 8 of them. I wasn't paying attention to the conversation because I was probably having one of my own. Lo and behold, this group of guys started to get louder and louder. Because Charlene is yelling about how her money is worth more than theirs and how she's rich or something along those lines. Then, this heffa proceeds to get ready to climb on top of someone's car hood and twerk it for a few dollars. This was getting reeeeallllly sketchy as they were getting louder and louder. She was pretty much about to get choked up within the next like 2 minutes or so. So, guess who steps in to mediate and diffuse the situation. Moi. And you know how I did it?

"Hey!!! Get together so I can take a group pic of you guys for your MySpace page!!!" Yeah. That's how long ago this was. MySpace was still hot at this particular time. They took the pic and then...went on their merry way.

And this is why Mike can't bring friends around us.

Blog 8 - Twink and the Crying Drunk Man

So, my friend Mike* has a tendency of trying to bring people into our core crew of friends...and it never really works out well for him. This is one of those times.

Mike used to go to the gym with this guy Justin** and invited Justin to come hang out with us. We were going to some club in Clifton called 46 Lounge, I believe. It was a nice place. Mike also invited two other chicks from his gym out. So it was myself, Mike, James*, two random chicks and then one of James' friends...I shall call her Tay. Everything is kicking and cool. Justin is dancing with one of the two random girls, Mike and I are bouncing around all over the place and James is cooling because it was the birthday of some girl he knew. I decided I wanted a drink, so I'm at the bar and I find myself on Justin's right. This is where the whole night goes to the lefthand side.

Justin has both of his hands covering his nose, so I'm just thinking he's wiping away sweat. He ordered some drink and when he did, I looked at his face and it kinda looked like stone. He puts his hands back up and I see his eyeballs leaking. So, I try to pull his arm down and it's not moving. Clearly that time in the gym is paying off because his arm is like a rock. He downs his drink and orders another one. And he's still crying. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but alas, I got no answer. He downed drink number 2 and is still crying. Not sobbing, but if you saw him, you knew he was crying. The bouncer saw him.

Bouncer: Is he aight?

Justin: I'm good

Bouncer: *looks at Justin's face* Nah, bruh. You gotta go

Me: Damnit, lemme go find Mike and James

So, I think the first one I found was Mike.

Me: We gotta go. Justin is getting kicked out

Mike: WTF?! Why???

Me: The bouncer saw him crying at the bar

Mike: He saw him WHAT?!

Me: Yep. Lemme go find James

I found James too. And the convo pretty much went the same way. We're walking outside and Justin gets into a minor argument with a bouncer. So, we got an escort of about 5 bouncers out of the club. In the parking lot, Mike is trying to figure out wtf is going on and here comes lil Tay...with her loud voice, talking about how Justin is too damn big to be crying at the bar. I can't disagree because he's like 6'0, 220...all muscle, but still. Some things you should just think and then let it go. That was one of them. But she kept going on for about 5 minutes as Mike tries to calm Justin down and get him in the car. It worked and Justin got in the car with the two random girls. EYE, however...got in the car with Tay in the front seat and she would NOT shut up about whether or not she was a whore. She also made the mistake of touching a black man's radio and almost got her hand chopped, but that's a different story. This whore questioning started IN Clifton...and continued down the Parkway, down Route 1 until we got to my house...and I snapped. I'm not sure if the discussion then turned into how I'm a bitch...but she stays away from me now.

Moral of the story...don't cry in the club unless you want to ruin everyone else's night by getting kicked out.

*I changed their names because I like them

**I didn't change his name because he got us kicked out of the bar

Blog 7: The REALLY TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD DATE!!!

A few years ago (and we're talking over 10 years ago at this point), I met up with this kid I went to high school with when I was working in downtown New Brunswick (I must have been about 15/16 at the time). We decided to go on a date. In hind sight, I should have known this bitch was doomed from the jump simply because he said "My cousin White Mike is gonna pick you up". Not really paying attention to that, I said okay. I get picked up and we go to the pool hall down the street from my house. Then...Mike leaves.

Me: Where's he going?

Date: To a bonfire in Hillsborough

Me: Well, how will he know when to pick us up?

Him: I'm gonna call him from your phone when we're ready

Me: ...

So, we play pool. Until the pool hall closes at 2.

Him: I thought this place closed at 3...that's when I told Mike to pick us up. Lemme see your phone right quick.

He calls Mike...who doesn't answer the phone. He waits another 15 minutes and tries again. Same result. 2 more tries and Mike's girlfriend finally picks up and says that Mike is too drunk to drive and she has no idea where they are in order to come get us. At this point, it's 3am. Options: call a cab or walk. Now, in order to call a cab, one must wait about 30 minutes after calling said cab for it to get there to drive me 2 minutes away. I was perfectly okay with that and started to dial the number.

Him: You're not far. Why don't you just walk home?

Me: ...it's 3am.

Him: It'll be fine. There's no one on the road.

Me: Are you going to walk with me?

Him: Nah...I'm gonna walk home myself. I have a longer walk than you.

Me: ... So you're really not going to walk with me? Why don't I call the cab, have it take me home and then take you home that way you don't have to walk either?

Him: Nah...I don't wanna pay you back *gives hug and starts walking to the left. I live to the right.*

Me: *stares at his back for about 30 seconds as he's just bopping along down the highway*

Now, I would have called said cab, but in reality, it really didn't make sense. I would have had to wait about 30 minutes and then probably pay like 10 bucks for it to drive me 2 minutes away...if that. I had walked it before in the daylight. What's so bad about walking it at night, right? EVERY-GATDAMN-THING IS WRONG!!!

Wrongness #1: It's 3AM. Drunk drivers.

Wrongness #2: As I stand in the direction of my house, there is a highway to my left and then a cemetery to the left of that. Zombies, bitch!!! Not to mention all the damn deer that could come and just run me over. Oh, and speaking of said highway, there's no sort of pedestrian path, so I'm just walking on the shoulder of the road.

Wrongness #3: To the right of me, after departing the strip mall, is a cornfield. With corn stalks that are higher than me. I am all of 5'2". I don't know what's in that field!!!

But...I get to walking. And each car that passed me by spooked the entire fuck out of me and then...I just started running. And then the next day, this fool texted me: So, did you have fun last night?

>_<

Blog 6: Twink and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date #1 (not really, tho)

So, let's quickly discuss this date I went on. I had to get my car towed recently and the tow truck driver and I decided we liked each other enough to go on a date (I actually thought he was pretty fly lol). The date actually wasn't bad at all. Neither was hanging out with his brothers. On a scale of 1-10, I woulda given the date about an 8. Minus that lil fight at the end in Quik Chek lol. Yeah. These things really happen to me lol. Now, would I have let that be a determining factor in continuing to date him? Nope. But that decision was made for me. C'est la vie, I guess. I suppose I shouldn't really call it the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad date...because reality is, the last 15 minutes aside, it was a great date...to me. Maybe it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad date to him lol. But I have an even better bad date lol.

Blog 5 - The Day Bef Tried My Life...and Succeeded

Throughout my life, I've always collected big sister type folks. I always assumed it's because I wanted one and never had one. I've particularly collected them in my adult life because quite frankly, I don't know how to be a damn adult lol. 2005 - 2006 the big sister was Ky, 2007 - 2012 was and is my old boss Stephanie. I don't get to talk to Steph a lot, so now my new big sister in my head is Bef. Today, we're going to hear a lil story about how Bef tried my 28 year old life and won. Clearly this is gonna be short as all of the fucks lol.

So, Saturday I did something and the final result was not some shit I expected. Sunday I got a new "friendship". I can separate romance from friendship, so in trying to be a friend, I hit my new friend up that I was gonna be up norf and didn't exactly get what I thought I was gonna get. Silly me. Silly me squared when I told Bef. Now, I'm not gonna tell ya'll exactly what she said because my mortal soul is still recovering, but know that we had a 32 line conversation...and about 25 of those lines were her telling me about my-damn-self. Ma'am...I did not ask you for all that. Which is precisely why I appreciate even getting it. I know I do some dumb stuff and I need to be told. I get it. But damn. She went haawrd in the paint, ya'll. I'm talkin' if her and Shaq both had to block my shot...she woulda won that fair and square. So, this is my ode to Bef. Thank you for being a frieeeeeend!! And yes, I did go all Golden Girls on ya'll.

PS - No I didn't change her gatdamn name. Heffa.

Blog 4 - Halloweenies and the Roommate

Halloween in NY is a big deal. Every year the Village has a parade and it's so much fun. For those that don't know, New York City is broken down into boroughs: Brooklyn, Bronx, Manhattan, Queens and Staten Island. Those boroughs are then further broken down into neighborhoods. The Village is an area in lower Manhattan...apparently it's a gay haven (and I loves me some gay folks, btw!) and has tons of little spots for shopping, piercing/tattoos, drinking, etc. So, there's a big parade every year for Halloween and people go THEE FUCK OUT for this. I mean this particular year there was a float that had divalicious lions, a 70's porn star and Count Chocula just to name a few. There was also some ice cream stand that had a pole and some chick on it, but that's neither here nor there. Just goes to prove the point that Halloween in the Village is life. Again, I was with my crew from the "Raise your hand if you like black people"post, plus a few others...like Juan's cousin Rene, and James' sister and brother-in-law. Big group of friends I was with. I was a black cat (at this point you should already know that there was shenanigans and fuckery going on with this costume. Purring and the whole nine lol). The easiest way to get into the Village from Jersey is to take the Path train, which we all did.

After walking in the parade and walking all OVER the Village, it was time to go home, so we're sitting in the Path Station just dead and murdered to the world (there will be a picture of my tired face once I get home. And I mean lipstick all gone, I think my false lashes were on my cheek). We finally get on a train and there, in the same train car, is my Sophomore year roommate, Jessica. She yelled my name and I looked over and went to go chit-chat, then she's like "Helena is here too." I look across the train car and see my other former roommate, Helena. Now, Helena could never really handle her likka, but she always did alright with me. Mostly because I knew when she reached her limit and would stop her before she hit it because I hate babysitting people that can't handle their likkas. So, I look over and see Helena PASSED THE ENTIRE FUCK OUT in a bumblebee costume. And not the sleepy passed out. The drunk passed out with her head on someone else's shoulder, a hole in her costume and a whole bunch of other shenanigans. So, their stop comes up and they tried to wake her up before the stop came. Didn't work. The train slowly inched its way into the station. Helena still isn't waking up. I tried to wake her up. She finally got up as the train doors were getting ready to close. She got to the door of the train...and SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH face planted on the platform. Her tutu went up her back and revealed that she had on a black thong. Half her body was on the platform and the other half was on the train. Jessica and her other friend quite literally dragged her off of the train. The lesson here, folks? Always know your drinking limit and the drinking limit of your friends in public places...lest you wind up face planting down, bare ass up on the train platform. Stay thirsty, my friends.

Blog 3 - Raise Your Hand If You Like Black People

I just recalled another favorite story of mine that occurs on the home turf of New Brunswick. I actually think a lot of my stories happen there. It's great times. So anyways. Back to the story. Since New Brunswick is the home of Rutgers University, the downtown area of the city is college-oriented. There is a street called Easton Ave and this street is nightlight oriented. There are bars and various eateries to supply the kids who are drunk and those that live in off-campus housing. My big group of friends and I decided to go partake into getting some of the infamous Fat Sammiches.

Story Break: Let me tell you what a Fat Sammich is. We have these places called the Grease Trucks that sell heart attacks on sub rolls (and for you terrorists, it's called a SUB...not a gatdamn hoagie!!!). For example, there is a Fat Sammich that I love called a Fat Bitch...and it's got chicken fingers, french fries, mozzarella sticks, lettuce, mayo, ketchup on it. You only eat this probably about once every three months. AND THEY ARE DELISHUS!!! Get you a piece of the website: www.greasetrucks.com. There are restaurants on the strip that sell the same sammiches. Below, please find a picture of how to make a Fat Darrell.

Now, back to the story!!!

So, I was with Paula, James, Dante, Juan, Garrett, Sharon, Yvonne, Frank, Mike and I feel like there might have been more people. We are all waiting outside of RU Grill for our Fat Sammiches. Outside of RU Grill, there is a bench in front of the restaurant. Yvonne, Paula, James and myself are sitting on the bench and everyone else is standing on the other side of the sidewalk. There are two girls coming down the sidewalk and what does Paula say? "RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU LIKE BLACK PEOPLE!!!" Hands go up on both sides of the sidewalk as the white girls walk through to the sound of "OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! YA'LL DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLLLLLLLLE!!!"

About 20 minutes later, we're still waiting for the rest of the sammiches when Paula tells some guy sitting at a bench in RU Grill to "show me your nuts". But that's a story for a different day.

Oh yeah. Please note that the names have been changed to protect the innocent..and keep people's new fiances, girlfriends and wives from finding out about their secret single past lol.

Blog 2 - The Mexican and the Car

I figured after the introduction, I'd start off the blog with a story that is near and dear to my heart: the day the Mexican man walked into my car. Lemme 'splain.

I live in the near area of Rutgers University, New Brunswick Campus. Some of my friends and I decided to go to the Hyatt Hotel for some liquid libations because they make some damn good mojitos. But I had soda, though. At the end of the night, we're all walking to the garage and we get in our cars to go home. I decided that I was hungry, so I took the long way home, up Route 27 because the McDonald's is on 27. Now, Route 27 in this area is called French Street and it's where there are a lot of Mexican stores and patrons. Let's paint this scene for you. Near the end of this downtown area, there is a small little area of greenage. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a park, though. Maybe just a small grassy knoll, if you will (I tried to get a picture of said knoll, but Google is not letting me be great). At any rate, its about 2:15am and the bars are closed, but people and the cops are still loitering around in the area, so you know to take it slow. The light ahead of me was green and I was going, because that's what you do at a green light. HOWEVER, I saw a man start to walk across the street as I got closer to the light (which was STILL green), so I stopped. HE TOO stopped. In the middle of the street on the yellow line, like most people do when they're crossing at a green light that they don't have and see a car coming. I proceeded to go. HE WALKED INTO MY CAR AND KNOCKED MY MIRROR OFF!!! And then rolled around in the street like I did major damage to his arteries!!! Man, I have never been so petrified in AWL of my life. Heart racing and thumping in my chest, nauseous feeling...alla that. Some kind Samaritan called the police for me because I was in no state to do so. And wouldn't you know...on top of this man walking into my car (we both lost here), I COULDN'T FIND MY INSURANCE AND REGISTRATION!!! I had every registration and insurance card BUT the current ones. Fail. And the cop gave me like 45 minutes to look for it because he really "didn't wanna write this ticket because this isn't your fault". No dice. I got a ticket for not being able to show insurance, which is nicer than what I could have gotten. And according to the police report, the man that walked into my car said his name was Jose Martinez. THAT IS LIKE THE LATINO VERSION OF JOHN DOE!!! And the officer could smell the likka permeating off of him. Do you know what it's like to drive around with no driver's side mirror? If you do, I understand your struggle. If you don't...maaaaaaan, listen. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And that, good friends, is the story of the Mexican and the Car. Clearly we both lost this battle. And I never made it to McDonald's.

Blog 1 - WELCOME!!!

Hola All!!

So, you might know me from my other blog, Welcome to the Dark Side. This is my new blog...where I shall detail all of my adventures of life that I can't possibly make up. Lighter and funnier than my other blog...I hope; because really, the things that happen to me during life are quite comical and I feel the need to share so everyone can bask in the glory and amazement that is my life lol (if that was not the longest run-on sentence of life). If this is your first time taking a journey with me...WELCOME! I am fun, outrageous, kind all wrapped up with 7 different kinds of awesome and fabulousity. And topped off with caramel and fudge. No whipped cream, though. We don't get down with the whipped cream. Please note that while these will be my real life experiences, names will be changed to protect the innocent...or guilty, depending on the story ;)

As far as your host, I am the Twinkster. Made of magic and fairy dust. Currently 28 and single, no dependents (praise dances in the aisle). Lover of all things shoes, clothes, makeup and hair. Owner of a broke-down ass car that gets me from Point A (which is Jersey) to Point B (which is wherever I deem it to be at that time) via my GPS system. That's pretty much it for right now. Onward to the adventures!!!